


Promise me you'll hold on

by WolfKomoki



Series: Soulless Sam One Shots [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Soulless Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8233859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfKomoki/pseuds/WolfKomoki
Summary: Ever since Sam lost his soul one thought has been on his mind: abominations shouldn't be here. Sam decides to take matters into his own hands until Dean makes him promise to live until they could get his soul back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Supernatural was written by Eric Kripke.

 

                          I stared at the blade in my hand, memories, and words dancing in my head as my mind started to wander

_“I wanted my BROTHER alive!”_ Dean’s words whispered in my head. I couldn’t be that for Dean, not really. I can’t feel emotion, not one emotion. I want to feel _something_ just anything, but I can’t. So, I continued to stare at the blade.

          _“Whatever that thing is, it’s not my brother!” Dean’s words cried out._ I continued to grip the blade, thoughts and memories running amok as I continued to remember.

          _“Sam he…he has no soul.”_ Cas’s words were gentler, but that still didn’t mean anything. I’m an abomination; a mistake, an anomaly; a soulless being. Why should I be allowed to exist any longer?

It’s funny you know, having no emotions?

          It’s easier to think when the mind isn’t clouded by emotion. Emotions will just drag you down, I knew that better than anyone.

And yet, here I am, fingers around the blade as memories play in my head. I thought of the reasons that I should put down the blade.

Dean? Emotion clouded judgement, and I knew that if I called Dean, emotion would get Dean to try to stop me.

          Survival? What good would that be with a soulless vessel? No, I didn’t want to survive. Hell, I can’t even feel what it feels like to want to live or die, so I’m nothing. Nothing but an empty shell.

          So, I grabbed the blade, fingers wrapping around the tip as blood continued to spill. Would Dean even care, or try to stop me? The monster pretending to be his little brother?

          _“My God son you’re about as cold as they come you know that?”_ Samuel’s voice whispered. He was right of course. I didn’t have emotions clouding my judgement, nothing was holding me back. He was right, I am as cold as they come, and I don’t care.

          Dean doesn’t say it, but it’s clear to me that I’m a monster. He doesn’t think I notice, but he keeps looking at me as if he’s waiting for me to turn into a monster. Well, joke’s on him because I already am a monster. And what do we do with monsters? We kill them.

          I sighed, putting the blade down as I rested my head in my hands. _Fuck, I can’t do this. Dean would be pissed if he came in here and found out that I’d damaged Sam’s body._

I continued to sit there with my head in my hands, sitting there in silence as I slowly breathed, memories fading to the back of my mind. When my mind was finally quiet I sat there listening to the silence as I took a break from the constant chatter of my thoughts.

          “Sammy?” Dean’s voiced asked, gripping my fingers with concern as I looked up.

          “Sam you’re bleeding—Jesus did you _cut_ yourself?” Dean asked, looking at my fingers. I could see the worried look in Dean’s eyes, and I briefly wondered what it felt like to worry.

          “Yes.” I answered simply. I watched Dean clench his fist, anger in his eyes as he prepared to hit me. I waited for the inevitable blow, knowing that he would be pissed at me for injuring Sam’s body.

Dean’s expression changed from anger, to confusion, to concern as he lowered his fist.

          “Sam I…I just… why would you do that? Do you know how dangerous that is?” Dean asked with concern. I rolled my eyes at his statement.

          “Of course I do, I’m not an idiot Dean.” I scoffed, watching as he cleaned the cut and bandaged it.

          “Then _why_? Why the hell would you do something so unbelievably reckless?” Dean demanded, his fist slamming on the table.

          “I’m an anomaly Dean. An abomination, a monster. Look whatever you want to call it, I’m not your brother.” I answered. If I felt emotions, I suppose I would feel angry at this point, or maybe I would be crying?

          “I am _so sorry_ that I ever said that. Look, I don’t know what’s wrong but I promise you we’ll _fix it!_ But you gotta promise me that you’ll _hold on_ until then!” Dean begged. I looked into his eyes to see tears. I didn’t understand why he was crying though. I’m not his brother, so why does he care about me? I’m not that other Sam, who am I to him?

          “Are you _hearing_ me?” Dean demanded, shaking me by my shoulders.

          “Yes, I hear you, stop shaking me!” I complained as he let go.

          “Sorry, just… _promise me_ , okay?” Dean pleaded, grabbing my arm as he looked into my eyes with a pleading stare. I sighed. I may not be his brother, but it’s clear to me that he’d be devastated if I died, so I’d hold on, for his sake, if nothing else.

          “Alright, alright.” I promised, pulling him into a tight hug. I could hold on just a little longer, for his sake if nothing else.

 


End file.
